Under Scrutiny

It's been another long period since I last blogged... it's just so difficult to keep track of time especially when there is just so much stuff to be done...

... It's harder, particularly when you know that all your colleagues know your blog and are scrutinizing your every action, hell-bent on finding something to laugh at.

So they know my orientation, they know my past, they know my thoughts now, what would a real friend do if they knew?

For some, it can be just plain gossip-mongering
For others, it can be something to ponder about
For the rest, it can be just plain nonsense.

But I wonder. If someone laid open his history in front of you. Will you still be able to look him in the eye and say that nothing will change?

- I guess not.



At least I have my own section to take care of.. far from the main institute and from the AVA room..
If I have to be a loner again, I'll be. And I can be quite good at it...

=)

There are many lessons I'm learning while serving my vocational period in NS

1) When somebody calls you a "garang soldier", that is an insult

2) When you do a good job for somebody, you'll not be credited for it, you will not be appreciated for it, and to rub salt in, be prepared for twice the workload soon, with double the effort expected.

3) When you do something good, announce it to the entire world. With emails, memoirs, notes, messages, calls, loudspeakers, PA system, radio - whatever means possible. When you do something bad, the gods hear instantly. But when you do something good it's pin-drop silence up there.

You see? Army teaches me alot of life lessons.

Well, Andy may have advertised my entire blog to my department, which may be a good thing to get more hits on my blog anyway.



sigh... I havn't been running much recently. I hardly can get any proper sleep at night, to the point that I'd snooze in camp.
- I don't normally snooze in camp.

Nicholas *(my younger bro) has found himself a girlfriend. TA-DAH. Geez. He spend hours talking to her on the phone till wee early hours in the morning, coz he can afford to.
Nobody bothers to turn off the air-con anymore for some reason, making it extremely cold at night.
[it's a complete hassle for me to turn off the air con, cause I'd have to climb down my ladder, turn off the air con, climb up back to my bed, and then i'll be all irritated and bothered]

Well.. one thing I can say for sure, I've learned that it is never a good thing to talk so much on the phone at the beginning of a relationship, coz it can be a good reason to use for break up later on.

~ ok. for some people it may be a good thing.

but. the common reason "we... we... we just don't talk anymore" *gestures* "there is no more... communication between us anymore don't you see?"
is used so frequently it's becoming cliche.





Alvin and I are also on rocky roads... We're arguing so much nowadays over the smallest matters just because our opinions differs so vastly..
Some things that are just so obvious to me strikes him as illogical, while things that matter to him are closed to me....

... he blames me for being insensitive...

Am I?... I always thought of myself as being oversensitive to the point of bewilderment to some people.

How do I become sensitive when I know what he needs, yet, I'm unable to do anything about it?

I can't stretch time and hold the clock... my schedules are so full it's killing me...

.... He blames it on church... That I spend almost 75% of my weekends in church...
.... He blames it on camp... That I help people out too much at my own expense...


... I can't help it if my time is just stretched so thinly...

it's stretched so thin that it hurts...

I cannot reject church or camp duties... Yet... sigh..



I think I gave him the wrong impression that I'm a very free person coz the 3 months prior to my enlistment was completely free... free to spend 90% of my time with him...

... to wait for him to finish school
... to go out with him almost every other day...
... to talk and play games with him till late...

I just feel like pushing everything away if I ever could...

maybe I should just go like AWOL and quit the band totally..

leave everything and everybody.... and just be alone for awhile...

TAURUS - The Enduring One (April 20 - May 20) Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings that are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice. Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums.. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous.

PISCES - The Dreamer (Feb 19 - Mar 20) Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative..May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser.

unrealistic and stable are at opposing ends
secretive and expressive are at opposing ends
boring and imaginative are at opposing ends
stable and vague are at opposing ends

the only thing we have between us that fits is love. isn't it?

prove to me. that love is all it takes...

the world has taken from me that reasoning, and experience tells me otherwise...




.... sigh..

Infections and Improvements

You know those times when you wake up on a lazy morning, and wish that everything was right in the world, sighing sleepily and staring out dreamily at the ceiling....


then *SMACK*

reality hits you back at the face and you realize you have a freaking long and tedious day ahead of you..

well, yesterday was one of those days...
and, it was one of my rare OFF days that I was forced to take... heh heh...

sigh..

My computer got infected with a superwurm, akin to the VBS.SOLOW wurm, which infects hard drives, except this worm is galaxies apart more powerful... it systematically infects a majority of your startup .dll files, then proceeds to copy itself into all your other hard drives.
Relaying itself as a harmless autorun virus, the moment your antivirus software targets it, it retreats into "Windows system restore", and lodges itself into a permanent, immovable "restore point".

Whoever said restore points were harmless?

Anyway, once it occupies the immortal throne, it proceeds to become malignant. It infects any hard disk that comes in contact with it and makes replicas of itself in the thousands of .dll files on the system32 folder.

Even hard disks with no system options are infected...

Thats why when I reformatted my computer, it was to no effect at all.. I was just toying with a time bomb that was waiting to explode on the slightest touch...

... now all my documents are gone...



... i really don't wanna dwell on it.

I still think that this whole virus thing is a pet project of antivirus companies all over the world to force us to purchase their product and cause us to live under the fist of fear...



... on a lighter note,

I've finally broke through my bench presses, I can now do a minimum of 43 pounds a side, to a maximum of 60+ pounds a side...

Was doing my reps yesterday and realized that curious discovery... usually I'd just like go around my usual static routine... But i accidentally (in my semi-depressed state), switched the two 10 kg plates with two 15 kg plates.

... I barely even noticed *(yes. I was that.... deep in thought).

I'm also starting to switch from my bicep isolation routine to tricep extension routine to compensate for lack of strength from my upper arm flexors, coz I'm having trouble increasing stacks for my seated rows.
(The triceps are the stabilizers for seated rows).

and... I can't add anymore weight to the leg lift machines. I'm like lifting at 200 pounds and the machine won't let me add anymore...
so I'm increasing reps instead of adding weights.
The funny thing is that my quads never seem to add on more mass. I think its because I run too much or I'm doing in wrongly...

But then again, how wrong can you get doing leg lifting?

so there ends my anaerobic routine.


on my aerobic routine... well, I'm running at a consistent 9:58-10:15 for 2.4 km, and having no trouble with 7-10 km running.
I still can't get over the dizziness after running more then 12 km, so I think I'll stick with 10 km only..
On another note, I've been reading an increasing number of articles condemning long-distant running... and they're quite credible.... so I think I'd stick with short distant sprinting instead.

there're like two 2Lts who run with my every Mon, Wed and Fri, and they're freaking zhai lah... I thought I was not bad when I ran 9:58, but those 2 were like sprinting in front of me all the way lah..
And the worse part? They were waiting for me, even had the energy and breath to talk to me and goade me to reach the finishing.

heh. Nice guys.




oh well... my computer repairs is going to bankrupt me for the rest of the month... with a mere service fee of $120, excluding having to buy new hard drives...


arrgh.

and oh. I got that virus thanks to my mum.

yes. my MUM. When I was helping her wash the dishes.

no. I'm kidding. I got it when I was helping her type out her haphazard hospital schedule, which originated from her hospital computer.



how ironic. the hospital cures viruses, but can't cure their own computer viruses.




heh.

Packed Schedules

schedules, schedules, schedules...
deadlines, deadlines, deadlines...

my whole life has been full of schedules, timelines, deadlines and whatever lines...

sigh... in a way, I do like schedules.... a full schedule tells me that I'm maximizing my time to the fullest extent possible..

but what happens when your schedule gets too cramped?

Today - (after work) rush to clementi to collect books, buy present for Haryanto, buy sweets for children

Tuesday - send computer for diagnosis and repair, go gym/swim, meet dear, buy present for mum, meet mum for birthday dinner

Wednesday - (after work) flag duty, meet Simon to wrap presents for kids (I think)

Thursday - (after work) AVA duty till 2230

Friday - medical appointment at SGH at 1100, back to camp, relay duties, grab haryanto for birthday celebration

Saturday - youth band practice, main band practice, Clara's recording

Sunday - Church, Gym/Meet dear


I could feel worse.... this week is like a super hectic week... And worst of all, my handphone is unable to send messages and my computer is down...

crap..

total crap...

next week my friend wants me to go lean Muay Thai with him, and i have my advance driving theory examination...


stress?


totally.




heh... just hope i don't fall sick or something....

Terrible Craving

Have you ever had a craving for something REALLY REALLY sinful?

LIKE THIS???

it's like OMGWTFKNNBCCBNNBNH beautifully sinful huh?

Juicy beef patties
Deep fried onion mountain
Mozzarella cheese heap
Long strips of tender bacon
Deep fried egg (Her Bao Dan style)
Butterhead Lettuce
Tomato

all sandwiched between 2 toasted burger buns!!
i think the calories is astronomical, but omg, the taste is super heavenly...

ARRGH.

UBER CRAVING!!

ARRGH!!
*wacks stomach*
*wacks stomach*
*think of the fats and oils*
*think of the juicy.. eh.. no. unhealthy beef*

ARRGH!!

NOOOOOOOO....

to make things worse, its about the same price as Carl's Junior!!

*cries*

why...why are humans able to create such awfully sinful object of absolute damnation??

anyway, happy 17th month anniversary dear.... *hugs tight*
Thanks for bringing me to such a nice place for dinner..
*grins*


P.S. If you're wondering where is that burger from, I'm not going to tell you, because as it is, the queue is already long enough. I don't wanna make things worse... for myself that is.

heh heh heh...

Scathing Memories - Memoirs from BMT

I still remember clearly the beginning of the end of my resolve to be an officer for the SAF...

It was a long day. Waking up at 4:45 am in the morning had become such a daily routine for me that I woke up even before my alarm rang. Which of course inevitably wakes up the whole contingent of birds camping outside our window sill.

I still wanted to be an officer. Was it mere foolish resolve or something deeper that prompted me to believe that everything was walking my way?

My first field camp. So far, I thought that the worst would only be the terrible 8 km (it was alot for me then) full-pack fast march to the campsite.
It only took moment for us to change into our No. 4. We knew it inside out (literally), and a harassed soldier can do things at amazing speeds.

"5 minutes to change and get your fucking butts down!!"

my platoon officer hardly uses vulgarities, thus the F* word jolted us to fly down the stairs.

I also learned that jumping down the stairs 5 steps at a time with a full field pack on is extremely dangerous for your legs.

Once assembled, a withering glance by the platoon sergeant at a soldier who didn't polish his shoe sent half the platoon flying up the stairs again just to polish our shoes.

We are soldiers. We were expected to follow every single rule religiously and portray an image of martial discipline.
- We were expected to be bloodthirsty as well.

Thus that field camp began.

I dreamed of having that bar. When my parents would... just smile at me with approval. I wanted to prove to myself. To everybody that it wasn't what made you, but who you made yourself.
I dreamed and I dreamt.

The weather was horrible. I couldn't imagine a worst weather for a route march. The monsoon season was at it's height and the worst part wasn't the rain, but the sheer humidity. Within a few minutes, everybody was soaking wet with sweat.
To top it up, the moment we left the cement track (which was only a short distance), the muddy track loomed ahead of us - full of portholes.

I learned that portholes are nasty. But they're nastier when they're covered with a layer of water.
You go like "We-are-oh-ah-infan-*GLOOP*" , "FUCK!!!".

...and your No.4 has been gloopified even before setting up camp. In fact, your beautiful No.4 has became somewhat similar to the desert outfit that the US Army wears.


Trudging through the sand became a daily affair after that. We never laughed at anybody else except ourselves when we stepped into portholes...


When we reached the campsite, I seriously thought we took a wrong turn somewhere. It didn't look like we could set up camp anywhere. Sure, there were some patches of soil with sparse vegetation; but other then that, it was Tarzan!
Long grass, amputated tree trunks, roots, and the worst part was the soil! It was so drenched with water that driving a tent peg through it was like building a skyscraper in the sea.

Finally after digging and scraping till we found dry soil, my buddy and I managed to peg and set up our tent - only to find out we were like 10 cm away from the formation line.
We had to destroy our tents and remake it again in 10 minutes.

and of course, with an additional 50-pumpings-face-down-in-the-mud kind.


Life as an officer? I was thinking that life in hell could fare much better...


Make it or break it.
That was what I was told. The field camp was supposed to separate the chaff from the wheat; the dirt from the gold...

Life was hell. We had to wrap our stuff before leaving our tent (because "wild boars" would come and steal our foodstuff). And it was a nightmare to crawl in the mud to tie up our tents cos it would just mean that the 20 seconds that our sergeant gave us to "GET YOUR FUCKING E-T BLADE AND STICK AND PARADE THEM IN FRONT OF ME NOW!" was virtually impossible.

... not tying up our stuff in ground sheets incurred worse results. Shoes and sandals got mysteriously stolen, and occasionally, somebody would get a severe punishment for losing an LBV (light battle vest) item.


Army was meant to harden me. I believed that it was good for me. That I needed the regimentation.. the discipline... I wondered how long it would take, before I broke...


Night fell.
As all light went out, I felt despair like no other... I've never ever experienced such persistent inky darkness like no other!
It was so dark it felt like a solid wall was in front of you. You couldn't see ANYTHING at all! Your savior was the useless torchlight that SAF gave you...

The battery lifespan of the torch was about 3 hours, and then its just you and Mr. Inky. I was frightened... We were not allowed to use the torch most of the time, and when we could, it was through a tiny microscopic slit that allowed a sliver of light to seep through.

.. but the effect was tremendous. That tiny "sliver" of light was visible from over two thousand meters away!

I felt sick to my stomach. I never knew if the next step I took would be into a porthole or a massive ant nest.
*one of my platoon mates stepped into a gigantic red-ants nest, and the effect was nightmarish....


... then the moment came. In a mere 30 minutes, my entire resolve broke...

For honor and glory. It seemed so easy. Just strive to be the best? That's what I've always done.

My rifle sling's buckle broke.
It was already so rusty, and it would have to give way sooner or later.
But I wish, I wish that it did not give way then...

My whole rifle slipped and into the darkness.

I groped around blindly, trying to find my rifle, my buckle and the rogue sling.
When I finally found all three objects, I laid my rifle against the tree while I tried my best to tape up my horribly broken buckle.
After a massive waste of tape, I managed to repair the sling to a reasonable extent....

I reached for my rifle.

I only felt bark.
My throat felt like bark.
I can't believe that it happened to me...

I groped around the grass like a madman. I couldn't believe that my rifle got "stunned" just for repairing my broken buckle!....
The punishment for losing your rifle... I don't think I need to reiterate how severe that offense is...

I didnt dare to leave my place, so I kept shouting for help... and my platoon officer came to my "rescue"...

He was carrying two rifles with him...

My heart immediately jumped, but went the repercussion set in, my heart sank even further then before...

"Recruit. What is your rifle number?"
"... B217"
"I don't have it. What is it again?"
"(shouted) B217!!"
"Is it? I don't see anything like that written on this lost gun"

... my eyes were already starting to tear..

"Sir, I'm sorry sir! I promise that it won't ever happen again!"

... the ludicrity of the entire situation kept striking me again and again. Should I even be apologizing to the person who blatantly STOLE my gun, just because I left in resting against a tree to repair my buckle?

"YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING WIFE! YOU KNOW WHAT I SEE? I SEE A-N-D-R-E-W-'-S W-I-F-E!!! YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING WIFE AND I HAVE IT!!
Recruit. Do you know what is the punishment for losing your wife?"

above everything, I saw that I would've most likely lost my chance of ever going to officer cadet school.
His eyes just radiated one message... "disappointment"

... my eyes just reflected his; tears couldn't be kept long..

"I'm sorry sir, I will accept any punishment you give me."

"Your parents entrusted you to SAF, for you to become a man, not a wussy, so stop being a baby and give me 50 push ups."

"Yes sir!"

(proceed to do push ups)

"Your parents will be so disappointed in you"

"Yes sir!"

"You have siblings?"

"Yes sir!"

"They will be so disappointed in you."

"Yes sir!"

"What do you want to achieve in the army?"

"I want to be an officer sir!"

"You can't pass your IPPT, you lose you gun, you shout in the middle of a tactical night operation, you think you know what responsibilities an officer hold?"

"My brother is an officer, so I think I know a bit sir!"

"Your brother is an officer? Then you should know also that OCS is a hundred times worse then this.
... You'll never be an officer."


... I think that was when I broke.
I screamed so loud that I thought the rest of the company would come running.

they didnt.

I hated him.
I hated him for shattering my dreams.
I hated him for looking down on me.
I hated him for thinking himself a god...


"If you want to be an officer, you'll have to do alot more. As far as I can see, you're not going to be one.
... come and get your rifle from me when this operation is over. You'll serve SOL for 7 days. Then you'll write a report.
You're the first person in this field camp to lose your gun. You better pray you're not the only one."

He turned off the field light and walked away.
The darkness drowned me...
I broke down...

I guess my resolve is weak.

but trust me. To break my own resolve only could come from a greater resolve.

I vowed that I will prove that I don't need to be an officer to be better.

I'll lead my life in army, so relaxed that officer cadet school will become completely irrelevent.




... field camp ended.
... my dreams ended.




what's the big deal about being an officer?


... i really don't know.


I don't think I want to associate myself with such a screwed up association. I hate the SAF. The memories it gave me will scar my life forever, but one thing I'd always remember...

"As far as I can see, you're not going to be one."

As far as I can see, I can not be one, but I can be far better then you.

...

It may be a taunt, for me to follow up. But I guess it backfired.

Put the blame on using it on a weak willed person like me.







... I hate the SAF.

Gone Case

Life is beautiful... supposedly.. supposedly how you make of whatever you have...

I almost broke up with him last night... my heart was on the verge of breaking into a million pieces... again...

I can only blame myself I guess, because almost everything is because of me...

but what can I do?...


... sigh...


I just feel like giving up everything sometimes... my whole heart is so numb I don't think I'd flinch if somebody stabbed it with a blunt knife...

Everybody just expects so much of me... my parents, my colleagues, my boss, my friends... I always thought that the term "put in your best for everything" was meant to make your life easier...
but it has never been the case..

Put your best in everything and you only get more shit thrown back at you...

People expect you to do more, for less..
People expect you to be available for everything
People expect you to take up even more grueling assignments
People expect you to take responsibility...

seriously, what do you get back in return? nothing much. Nothing even worth mentioning...

Its late, but I'm starting to learn that if you say "yes" to everything, you'd end up living a life worse then hell... coz everybody will just throw to you what they don't want to do.

it has never been worth it, and will never be worth it...
but it's just so hard to say no...

and each time you say no, your relationship with that person becomes greatly strained.. because all along, you've be playing his game, and when suddenly you throw him a no, he becomes disoriented and angry...

I really don't know..


I'm sick of responsibility.
I'm sick of people assuming that I'm free.
I'm sick of not having ANY time for myself.
I'm sick I'm sick I'm sick..

I'm sick of everything.........



*cries*

No Regrets

sigh... i guess there comes a time when you lose interest in recording your particularly boring life...

especially in NS, when you can't write about anything.. not that there is anything interesting to write about in the first place..

so many people keep asking me, "Do you ever regret not taking the path of being an officer?"

.. after all, I had a solid chance of being one...

My answer is yes, and no.

There are certain things in life that one can never be fully certain about, such as how life could go awry, and twist to something you couldn't even tolerate in your most terrible nightmare...

National Service taught me many lessons, but I plan to throw most of them away, and keep only a few...

i. You can never be too sure about how good something is, until you've experienced it yourself

No one can say that "Oh. I understand exactly what you're going through, so I will be prepared for it when the time comes". That is impossible. Do you think it is the same if you console your friend who lost his parents, from the experience that you had when your grandparents died? - It's two totally different experiences.
I believed that I was prepared for NS, after all, I had been in a regimented uniform group for 6 years of my life. I was in excellent physical condition, and I knew every single drill by heart. But when I stepped in, life took a downward spiral. Do I know? Yes. I anticipated the worst, but there are some indescribable scenarios on earth that go beyond "worst".

ii. Leadership isn't about commanding. It isn't about respect. It isn't about pummelling others to do your commands.

Leadership is about empathy. The ability to feel as what your subordinates feel. To put yourself in their shoes, and balance the equation with what is needed to be done. The greatest tragedy about SAF leadership is the inability to do so. They believe that one shoe size fits all. Which is a big mistake.
Leadership is the ability to make people laugh, make people reflect, make people change.
Leadership is the ability to make a tedious job seem like a stroll in the park.
Leadership is the ability to shape the future, without destroying the present.
.. so many people cannot understand this....

iii. Acting is everything... almost.

One of the amazing things about the army is the ability to hide the most unpleasant situations with army-deo. I learn that it doesn't matter what you do. As long as you show that you're pristine and perfect on the surface. It doesn't matter if you're a rotten egg underneath.
Piss off to those who believe that what is underneath the surface will affect the top. That is a horrid lie. There are those who are able to mask the most unpleasant personalities with disgusting ease.
for as long as they want.

do I wish to be an officer?
Yes. Knowing that I can make a difference, it gnaws at me when I see the inefficiency playing itself out.
However, dare I say that I would not become one of those puppets if I became one?

no.

I have said it many times, and I stand by my word. THERE IS NOT A SINGLE PERSON WHO CAN ENTER THE SAF AND REMAIN THE SAME.

for better, or for worse.



Do I like my life now?
HELL YEAH.

Book out daily
No guard duties
No staying in
No officers around me
No warrant officers around me
Nice little place to take care of
Friends from all walks of life
Free food
Free transport
...
I mean... it's really a dream job.


It just bugs me, when I see my friends who complain that they never had the chance to go to OCS...
do they understand what they're saying?

and it bugs me, when I could have gone there myself...